To the Significant Others of my Female Friends

Where do I begin? This could be one of those very long posts where I explain to you how much you are undeserving of my friend as a lover, or how every other time I talk to your girlfriend I have to end the conversation an hour or two early because I’m so sick of hearing her complain about you. Yeah, that’s right, you.  You are inadequate.  You are the Plan B that is only the Plan B until the Plan A comes along.  If Plan A never comes along, then you pretty much won the fucking lottery.

Here’s where you need to listen carefully.  I could be Plan A.  The only reason you have the girlfriend you do, is because I didn’t want to be Plan A.  It should make sense to you, but since you are a Plan B, I’m going to use words that I know will make sense to you.  These are words borrowed from a twelve year old who resided in downtown Ithaca, NY.

YO! Your girl could be mine, ya heard?

That being said, she isn’t.  She has ‘chosen’ you, and she has ‘chosen’ to remain friends with me.  This means that no matter how wonderful you think you are, no matter how wonderful you are told you are, and no matter how wonderful you actually are, I still offer her something. This is why we remain friends, and why I remain friends with many single/committed women. If you have gotten over that, then you and me are already friends (and that is something I am happy about).  If she doesn’t think you can get over it, then you and me have never met (and we never will).  Don’t get mad at me if we’ve never met, it speaks to her confidence in you, your insecurities, and your ability to grow.  Yup I said it, ya heard?

To the Significant Others of my Male Friends

I know you are a keeper because you’re with one of my friends (I choose them wisely). Take your boyfriends phone and call me. I can usually be found under ‘Simon’ or ‘My Idol’. See above, I’m a Plan A.