my name is simon baumer, and i hate everyone (lie). i pretend to hate everyone (truth). instead of dealing with things (often including myself), i pretend to hate them. so far this method has worked out for me.

survival of the fittest: i make things fit, so i survive. another thing that helps me survive is my keen ability to see everything. like i can see 9 different ways from point A to point B you wouldn’t have thought of, i can see paper-clip sized chameleons in a chaotically monochrome jungle, and i would be able to see your soul if you had one – but you don’t because nobody does. you’re just a lump of atoms that feel like flesh, but that’s cool because so am i.

some other survival methods:

•    to occupy my ever active head, i organize and reorganize everything i own, especially abstract data that can be interpreted as something interesting, beautiful, or horrifying (songs, movies, or bank statements) when properly assembled. much like the atoms that make up your soulless self. but, incidentally, i have a strong distaste for organization when it comes to sports, religion, and social life.

•    i feign ambivalence. in other words, i pretend i don’t care about stuff, like what’s going on halfway around the world or what people think of me. in reality, i care. most of the time i over think things to the point of paranoia. chances are, i’m over thinking approximately 17 issues right now.

•    i often play with my toes when i watch tv.

•    i have a dog named maxine, and there’s no doubt in my mind that she’s way cooler than you are.

•    i will eat anything you put in front of me unless it’s a fruit or a vegetable. also, the more fried the better. also, the more spam the better.

•    i take extreme but under publicized pride in my tech geekishness. i fantasize about building ultimate web tools and transforming robotic toys into high tech bar tricks even though i’d always rather be on my couch than in a bar.

•    not surprisingly, i superlike star wars. and i sort of resemble yoda.

•    i’m selftarded.

•    secretly, i’m Canadian. and dreamless.

•    i firmly believe that it would benefit society (and my carbage aka kitty infested Jeep) to pay for things in cat pelts and cow bones instead of money.

•    i’d always rather you spill the beans than do it myself.

•    i have a huge following. people adore and weep for me, though i’ll never admit it in any other forum. i’m like a cult. if you’re reading this now, you’re either part of this following, or you soon will be.

•    i reserve my most passionate feelings for inanimate objects. The nutella and banana piada (13) at Piada NYC, for example, is a festival of light in my mouth. it’s so fucking delicious that it surpasses the tastes of the flavors and my senses end up crisscrossing and i taste bright light. and let me tell you, it tastes good.

•    when i die, i will be extremely un-alone. and extremely tan.

•    also, i refuse to settle for anything less than the best life for myself.

this is what i want people to know about me.