I never make my bed.  When we were younger, my mother sometimes told us to make our bed. Actually, she still does from time to time.  It was one of those ‘good habits’ that she attempted to instill in her two boys that her mother had undoubtedly instilled in her (and her brother and sister as well).  As if her mother wasn’t enough, she went to boarding school (as did her siblings) and I’m sure they got beaten there if they didn’t make their beds.

Fortunately and unfortunately our punishment when failing to make our beds wasn’t as harsh.  Fortunately because I don’t have any scars or ill-will towards my mother, unfortunately because I didn’t get into the ‘good habit’ of making my bed.  When I was younger I probably had several reasons not to make my bed.

1. It involved spending time on something that wasn’t awesome, like reading comics, playing video games, learning computer hacking skills, etc.
2. It involved doing something that my mother or father wanted me to do.  They never asked/made me do anything that was fun or awesome.  It was never “go read comic books,” “go play video games,” or “this is the last time I’m going to ask you to spend six hours in front of the computer screen.”  (So help me if I ever have kids, I’m gonna be the coolest dad in school.  The one who punishes his child by making them eat an entire snickers pie with their eyelids taped open and xbox controllers duct-taped to their hands for four hours.  I digress…)
3. It didn’t make sense.

Now that I’m older, reason 1 is still semi-relevant.  It still involves spending time doing something I wouldn’t ideally be doing, however the cost isn’t as great.  I now know that the comics will still be there when I finish, that the video games will still be there when I finish, and that no matter how much computer hacking skills I learn, there will always be more to learn.  I am also much better at managing my time now, so I have plenty of spare seconds to use making my bed.

Reason 2 is no longer relevant.  The requests that my parents now make of me since I am no longer under their roof, are things like “please help me make a decision about purchasing an awesome boat,” or “please delegate various gardening chores for us to do for you since we don’t have a garden in our apartment and even the chance to gather up fallen leaves again is fun.”

Reason 3 is the only one that really still holds true.  It doesn’t make sense.  The other day I saw my housemate making her bed and asked her why she did it.  Her reasoning wasn’t any different from any other reasoning that I’ve heard.  It looks nice and tidy, and if anyone comes into your room they can sit on your bed without hesitating about getting it dirty or sitting where you sleep.  Great reasons everyone.  Too bad they are shit.

One time I was watching an episode of Law and Order: SVU and the police went to one of the victims homes/apartment who was murdered and one of the detectives made some snarky comment about how “you should always make your bed, because you never know when you are gonna die.”  What the fuck? First of all, if I’m dead, I’m pretty sure I won’t care if my bed is made.  Second of all, if I’m alive, I’m pretty sure I don’t care if my bed is made. Why don’t you stick to catching pedophiles and leave the bed jokes to me.

If you are lucky enough to be in my room and to see my bed with your own eyes, you are having the best day of your life and won’t even have time to come-down from such a high to take note of my unkempt linens.  If you are also one of the chosen few who get to rest your weary little haunches on that sucker, you certainly aren’t going to hestitate no matter how digusting or unmade it may appear to be.  But seriously, let’s just think about all the things that happen in beds.  We will start tame.  People read in bed, they sleep in bed, they talk on the phone in bed, they eat in bed.  Great.  More importantly people have been known to commit the 4 ‘ates in bed. Urinate, defecate, masturbate and fornicate. No pointing fingers here, just stating the obvious.  So you’d hesitate sitting on my bed when it wasn’t made, but wouldn’t hesitate sitting on it if a thin layer of cotton separated your ass from the 4 ‘ates? Really? That’s all it takes? Right, thought so.

Let’s all just concede to the fact that making your bed is pointless.  You get out of bed most mornings (manic depressives and whores the exceptions), and get into bed most nights (insomniacs and whores the exceptions).  Sure it looks nice, but it’s not functional.  Getting into an unmade bed is quicker and easier then getting into a made bed.  Taking the sheets off an umade bed is quicker and easier then getting into a made bed (some beds are so unmade that the sheets are already entirely off).  No matter how nice and neat and made your bed appears to be, it is still the cesspool of sweat and filth and other disgusting bacteria and fluids that may have been on your body that one time you didn’t shower right before entering it.  The tidiness of it’s appearance doesnt change how disgusting it is.  So get over it, get out of bed, and don’t turn back to make it.  If we all spent those few seconds everyday making our beds doing something productive like harvesting rice for starving children in Africa, their would be a shit ton more Africans, and a shit ton more rice farmers.

Tags: Africa, Africans, Beds, Brother, Comics, Computer Hacking, Death Cab For Cutie, Emily Haines & The Soft Skeleteon, Law and Order, Mother, Reading In Bed, Rice Farming, Snickers Pie, SVU, Video Games, XBox, Your New Twin Sized Bed

This entry was posted on Friday, January 9th, 2009 at 11:59 pm and is filed under Reflections, Shit List. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.