November 12th, 2008
Dude (Smells Like A Lady)
We are, if nothing else, a species that is ruled by our senses. We believe what we can see, hear, feel, taste and smell. Many-a-times our senses engage in a little tag-team action to increase whatever awareness we are experiencing at the time. A good example of how we know this, is why we hold our noses when we take medicine we don’t like the taste of (our smell and taste senses team up so regularly and powerful they are the undisputed tag-team champions of the world).
Another good example of how we know this is when we are walking around a store or restaurant and we see an unusually attractive woman. Our sense of sight lets us know what’s up. Most times this is enough to heighten ones awareness, and also to make the expedition out of the beach hut worthwhile. On occasion we walk by one of these sense-rousing creatures and we get a whiff of product. Now our sense of smell lets us know what’s up.
You all know what I’m talking about. Not only does the sheen of her hair make even the most professional shop job look bad, but as she walks by your nose gets assaulted by the promises of a juicy fruit-filled future. The ocean breeze spray lightly dusted on her mane, and the coconut body butter scent takes you instantly to sandy shores (which in my case are just blocks away, but since you are freezing your ass off right now, it takes you much further). It’s just you and her, the ocean, and an endless buffet of aromatic fruits. Before she walks out of your life forever.
On a rare occasion, you get the aromatic attack before you even spot the vixen, we call this ‘the smell before the siting’ in the business. This happened to me just the other day. I was standing in an aisle of the grocery store alone and all of a sudden it hit me. I look around and see no one, but my tag-teaming senses are telling me that just like every other time I’ve been hit with this combination attack of smells that the visual is sure to follow. It never did? How could I have missed her? You thought I was better than that? You are right, I am better than that, and I didn’t miss her. She wasn’t there. I was smelling….myself.
I wonder how many test animals died to bring you this image?
Behold, my army of products. See, last month Amy, my old roommate, left town. She had two suitcases to pack everything into, and much like the sacrifices I have made in the past, she was forced to make some cruel and unusual decisions. One of these decisions resulted in me having more bottles of goo then I know what to do with. What I do know is I have 3 semi-used women’s deodorant sticks, 15 bottles of sunblock, 7 shampoos, 3 apricot scented facial soaps, and a whole lot of other good smelling stuff. What I also know is that I smell like a chick. Waste not, want not.
Tags: Aerosmith, Amy, Apricot, Army, Dude Looks Like A Lady, Photoshop, Product, Shampoo, Sunblock
November 12th, 2008 at 9:20 am
I wonder if you had this array of chick smelling items in college if your chair from yesterday’s post would still smell like balls or not.
November 12th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
dude, that’s a lot of goo. Also, I have totally experience the fruity passerby scent. It’s awesome!
November 13th, 2008 at 11:12 am
Lady (Smells Like a Dude)
I am, if nothing else, a lady ruled by my senses. I believe what I see, hear, feel, taste and smell. Many a times my senses engage in a little tag-team action to increase whatever experience I am having at the time. As a resident of New York City, this can present some problems. Take for example the dude who I saw shitting on the platform of the F train yesterday. Were it not for the smell, I wouldn’t have looked over and seen him. Having smelled him and then seen him, I was, well…dismayed (and even more dismaying, I was also a little amused).
Another good example of how I am ruled by my senses is when I am walking around a store and see a dog. My sense of sight let’s me know what’s up. Most times, this is enough to make me smile, and make the expedition out of my shithole apartment worthwhile. This being New York, on occasion I walk by a dog and get a whiff of Chanel No5. Now my sense of smell let’s me know what’s up: this ‘dog’ isn’t really a dog – it’s a dog-shaped accessory. Silly me!
Then sometimes, I smell a dog that actually smells…like a DOG. And sometimes I smell the dog before I see the dog. New Yorkers refer to this as the ‘sting before the siting.’ This happened to me just the other day. I was standing in an aisle of the grocery store alone and all of a sudden it hit me. DOG smell. I look around and see no one, but my tag-teaming senses are telling me that just like every other time I’ve been hit with this combination attack of smells that a mangy dog is sure to follow. It never did. Where was the dog? How could I, the biggest dog lover you know, have missed him? You thought I was better than that? You are right, I am better than that, and I didn’t miss him. The dog wasn’t there. I was smelling….myself.
Behold, my army of products:
http://www.prestoimages.net/graphics08/648_pd202398_1.jpg
That’s right. I use men’s deodorant to avoid experiences like the one I had the other day. If I didn’t, that dog you smelled and never encountered? That would be me.